Performance

We have been talking for a while about how to measure success in our relationship.  More precisely, my success, as a submissive.  I think, truthfully, I’m pretty bad at it.  I have had  this perception that I am complying, giving things up, giving up parts of myself really.  I feel a small victory when I manage to choke out a ‘Daddy’ or a ‘Sir.’  I will mentally pat myself on the ass when I remember to perform that very specific bathroom ritual.   I will feel smug when I am on time.  But even hearing me describe how I feel about my behavior, I think, has an too much of an aroma of Type A.  I will submit better than you!  Watch me go!

I haven’t written about how the schedule went.   Well, it went badly.  Largely because of all that ‘head of the submissive class’ attitude I was talking about up there.   Rather than simply relinquishing control of my day-to-day tasks to someone else, I tried to DO ALL THE THINGS.  Example?  Rather than write exactly the number of lines I was told, I wrote more.  One day I got up early.  The first day, I was so confident I understood how I was to behave on my morning commute that I didn’t read the schedule.  I was, incidentally, wrong about what I was supposed to do and completely messed-up the entire schedule.  It was exactly the wrong mental space.    It wasn’t a competition, or a chance to succeed, it was simply a chance to comply.  To do exactly what was requested, nothing more, nothing less.  There wasn’t anything to think about.  There just was the doing of it.

How bad am I really?  Well, wonder no more, now there is data.

I am going to write a more technical post (or have him help me with that) about what exactly we’re measuring some other time.

Just take my word for it, we’re measuring me.  My performance and behavior, in the ways that matter most to him.

If you are interested in longer term data, I put a collection of charts on the performance page (also a tab in the menu now).