Of Course

Text from Wednesday night:

Also, grow your hair out.  I like it that way.

This text drives me crazy (candidly in both a good and a bad way).  It is so matter of fact, and lest you misunderstand the tone, it is not a request.  It should also be clear that I am absolutely going to take this seriously.  I am now back to growing out my hair, despite actually liking it quite a bit at its current fairly short length.   What I hate about the text is the request in general.  What I love about the request is that I knew I would absolutely change my appearance for him.   I do not LOVE the doing of it, what I love is the surrender of something I feel strongly about to satisfy his bullshit ideas about beauty.

He is without question dictating to me a standard of beauty and a trope that I absolutely disagree with.

Just a bit of historical background, I have always been pretty comfortable with my hair at varying lengths.  I have had fairly long hair – well past my shoulders..  I have also had it very short.  I have never gone in for a serious boy cut, but I have had hair short enough that I needed to shave the hairs at the base of my neck a bit.  Most recently, I went through a period of having very long hair, to dramatically cutting it.  The change received rave reviews from most folks.  He did not like it though.  Or, maybe that is overstating it.  He really enjoyed my long hair, and I without so much as a moment of input, took that away from him.

If you’ll indulge me a bit, I actually feel very strongly that women shouldn’t define beauty in traditional ways.  And like it or not, women with long hair, is one of those traditional beauty standards.  One of the well worn tropes of true feminine beauty is long lustrous locks.  To me, and I’m assuming you could also read many a scholarly article about it, this concept of long hair as the epitome of feminine beauty and sexuality, has an aroma of male gaze all over it.  The ads that have idealized sexy women (all of which who by the way have long hair), they all were designed by men. And if they weren’t they were designed by women who knew their target market well enough to know that the long hair was going to sell more things and make executives wealthier.  Because while I do think that long hair = sexy is a predominantly male concept, women buy into it.  They do.

One of my least favorite things to hear is a woman talking about is how she feels perfectly attractive with a certain hairstyle but she is opting for a different standard of beauty because of her husband or boyfriend.  It drives me insane.  Usually, by the way, this request is related to the long hair versus short hair debate.  Why does it bother me less if a fella requests that his lady wear sexy lingerie or a particular outfit, or hell, even dye her hair a certain color?  I think it has to do with the idea that a preference for black thigh-highs, while certainly supported by many a societal construct, is just less steeped in traditional gender roles than hair length.

And it is right about here that I am losing my way in this post.  I am ranting, quasi-articulately here, just to illustrate a point.  This theme with me, is ridiculously seductive.  I obviously don’t have to change my hairstyle.  I really don’t.  I’m sure he & I would go on just fine if I had my hair at any length.  But, in the context of my submission to him, I can barely sit still thinking about how a casual text from him which sends me into a place of absolute denial of something I firmly believe in.  Something fundamental to me.

Do I believe the themes in the rant?  Of course.  Am I dripping wet thinking about disregarding my values on this topic for him?  Of course.